Lordy, some folks will just try anything.

I had a letter today, redirected from my old address, which turned out to be a Penalty Charge Notice from Barnet council.

Now, it’s a fair cop, if I had been trogging along in the bus lane in The Hyde NW9 on my way home from work on 17th March, I would ‘fess up and pay my dues. After all, Barnet council are Putting The Community First and I would hate to stand in the way of that mission.

My “alleged contravention” was even supported by video tape evidence – blimey, you’ve got me bang to right guv. I’m all prepared for Gene Hunt to throw me in prison and say something funny about b*stards.

But wait…..

Just a cotton-pickin’ minute!

17th March?

I put it to you, Barnet Council, that your camera-toting operative, checking out the passers-by in The Hyde NW9, has had the wool pulled firmly over his video-camera eye-piece. My allegedly-contravening car has been sitting by the side of my house in France for the last 4 months, and is still there to this day, looking rather sad. How does that work?

Not only that, on the day in question m’lud, I was in Paris, attending a rather long and boring business meeting along with about 8 other folks. And unless my good lady wife had nipped off to England for a day’s shopping, (unlikely given that it would have taken about 10 hours to get there and 10 hours to get back, not leaving a lot of time to sample the delights of Barnet’s shopping centres), I think it highly unlikely that it was her either.

So, it would seem that some not-too bright chappie is driving round London bus lanes with a clone of my number plate, contravening regulations here and there, and expecting me to cough up for his fines. Well Mr Not-So-Bright-Criminal, I think you’ll find that’s not going to happen. You see, I have the evidence and you don’t. My log book is official and tallies up. Yours won’t. My registration number is registered to my CAR. Yours is stuck on the back of a random VAN with blu-tack.

Nice try matey, but better luck next time.